What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 05:13
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
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I never cut or harmed myself..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Was to survive, this bastard.
How do you handle family members who ask for handouts?
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was in good health!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
What was your most memorable combat mission during the Vietnam War?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why am I so unproductive when it's a holiday the next day?
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
What are some things that children used to wait for, but are no longer common in today's society?
I will be 64.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
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Who then, do I blame.?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
My life is so biszare .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Have you ever forcibly sucked someone’s dick?
He resisted the act ,that day.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
How does the narcissist react when he realizes you no longer care?
Why did i forgive my father ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She wouldn,t have been !
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
She married twice! .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was 9 years of age.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
So, i spoilt her more .
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Put me off passion for life!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
One cannot live in the past .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
I think the readers, may guess!
I write beautiful poetry .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I was scared of men, in general
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
We all went to grammer schools
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
As i do to all so called friends.?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
It was going to be , some day.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I have no regrets .
Im still living with it.
I was very sick at this time too.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I couldn’t, believe it.
He knew the spot.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
So whats the point in blame.
I could never make a relationship work though!
I waited trembling.
Comes on , in middle age.
Ive learnt so much.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was seconnd youngest,
She loved him until the end.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
She found it foreign!.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
This is soul school!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
All the time i was locked up.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Would this be the day?
But it wasn’t much.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I said to her
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I don,t even have a pension.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My family never makes their pension either.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
(And it was in our own minds.)
And i lived it daily.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We were not on the streets..
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
This is how, and why children get BPD.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Especially a lifetime of it.
When she asked me how she looked .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
What did i know ?